Julia is a pioneering Harvard Kennedy School professor who’s studied the science of disagreement for 20+ years. Her book, How to Disagree Better, is out this week—psychological safety pioneer Amy C. Edmondson calls it “a must read for anyone seeking to foster mutual understanding, constructive dialogue, and more effective outcomes at work and at home.” Julia sat down with us to explain 4 steps to better disagreement (and better lives). Find them below, and get in touch to book her for your event!
Hedging: Leave room for different perspectives.
“Hedging involves words that highlight the subjectivity of my standpoint,” Julia explains. Phrases like “I think” can give you some room for disagreement without compromising what you actually believe. For instance, rather than saying, “This initiative will be effective,” you could say, “I believe this initiative will be largely effective,” instead. “I still said the same thing, but I left room to show that I recognize there are different perspectives,” she says. “So my conversation partner is not as inclined to look for holes in my argument.”
Emphasizing agreement: Find common ground.
“Emphasizing agreement is not agreeing,” Julia says. “It’s not saying ‘You’ve changed my mind.’ It’s saying, ‘We are two humans with values, concerns, and views that are common to both of us, because we are people.'” Words like “also” and “we” can be helpful here, and sentences like “I think we both want to find a way to satisfy this client.” It’s a conversational win, Julia says: “We are both gaining some insight and perspective. I’m still going to tell you what I think we should do, but I took a second to show that we’re on the same side.”
Acknowledging: Prove you’ve actually listened.
“Everybody in the world has heard of acknowledgement,” Julia says. “Most people do a terrible job of it.” Many of us, in a conflict, do what she calls lazy acknowledgement: “I hear you, but we can’t do that.” Effective acknowledgement requires you to prove that you’ve actually heard the other person: “I hear that you’re concerned with the quality of the product and you’d like to extend the timeline, but here’s why we can’t do that right now.” You haven’t changed your mind, Julia says, but you’ve proved that you’re listening.
Reframing to the positive: Invite more positive emotions.
“Almost anything you say, you can say in a more positive or a more negative way,” Julia says. She suggests eliminating some negative words (“terrible,” “horrible,” “hate”) and replacing them with more positive or balanced words. “Instead of ‘I can’t possibly agree to a policy that disrespects our longest-serving workers,’ you could say, ‘I would really appreciate it if we could find a policy that respects the needs of all our workers.” There’s a lot of emotion in disagreement, and there’s no getting around that, Julia says—but using positive words can result in a more constructive experience for everyone involved.
Want more from Julia?
Learn more about her here, then contact us to book her to speak at your event!





